XIV. Doctor Tech Support — A Help Desk Reference

Saint Rectory Memorial Hospital System's Information Technology department is, by consensus of the medical staff, either a miracle or a myth. Physicians who can intubate a stranger in the dark cannot, it turns out, locate the "any" key. This memo is a mandatory reference for IT and all clinical staff who use a computer, which is all of them, including the ones who deny it.

Each ticket below was submitted by a physician. Each is real. Each was resolved by a technician who has seen things no help desk should see. Each generated a downtime billing event we are proud to code.

A. The Login Tickets

• "The computer won't let me in. I'm a doctor. It should know." — The computer does not know you are a doctor. It knows your password expired 47 days ago. Reset it. Bill the password reset as "access restoration, clinical urgency."
• "I typed my name. Why doesn't it accept my name?" — Your name is not your username. Your username is three letters and a number assigned in 2009. You have asked this before. We have notes. We bill the re-education.
• "Caps Lock is on. Is that why it's yelling at me?" — The computer is not yelling. It is rejecting your all-caps password with the calm of a system that has seen worse. Bill the caps-lock consultation.
• "I changed my password to something I'd remember and now I don't remember it." — You changed it to "password123" and then forgot which number. We reset it. We bill the irony.

B. The Hardware Tickets

• "The mouse isn't working. I've been clicking the light." — The light is the optical sensor. You have been clicking the bottom of the mouse for 20 minutes. Bill the ergonomics review.
• "The screen is black. I think the patient broke it with their illness." — The monitor is off. The power button is the one that looks like a circle. Press it. Bill the illumination event.
• "My keyboard is typing the wrong letters. It's possessed." — You have the Spanish layout selected because you hit three keys at once. We switched it back. Bill the exorcism.
• "Can you make the computer faster? It thinks slower than my intern." — Your intern is faster than the server at 2am during the backup. We cannot make the backup stop. We bill the wait time as "clinical patience, prolonged."

C. The EHR Tickets

• "I can't find the patient. They're right there. In the bed." — You searched by first name only and the system has 14 "Johns." Use the MRN. Bill the search optimization consult.
• "I accidentally deleted the chart. Bring it back from the dead." — We have backups. The chart is in the void for 11 minutes. We restored it. Bill the resuscitation of the record.
• "Why does it ask me so many questions? I just want to order the thing." — The questions are called "safety checks." They exist because a doctor once ordered the wrong thing. Bill the safety check you resented.
• "Can you make the font bigger? For the patient. The patient needs bigger font." — The patient is asleep. You need the bigger font. We zoomed it. Bill the vision accommodation.

D. The Legendary Tickets (Restricted)

These tickets are restricted to IT training. Posting them externally would end the help desk's will to live. We include them because they explain why the ticket system has a "physician" category separate from "everyone else."