Raggsy the hospital trainer illustrating MEMO III-D: G.A.S. Team
From: David R. Stoolworthy, M.H.A., M.B.A. <dstoolworthy@absolutelyreal.org>
Sent: Monday, 7:15 AM
To: G.A.S. Team Members, Nursing Administration
Cc: HR Department, Audiology (for decibel meters)
Priority: High Staff Deployment
MEMO III-D: G.A.S. — Gastrointestinal Anal Surveillance Team

D. G.A.S. — Gastrointestinal Anal Surveillance Team

G.A.S.
G — Gastrointestinal
A — Anal
S — Surveillance

A newly formed unit of specially trained nurses will be deployed across all inpatient units to detect, verify, and document every anal release of wind in the facility.

G.A.S. Team Responsibilities:

  • Round on all patients every 2 hours with a Flatulence Verification Checklist (FVC)
  • Respond to "Code Wind" pages — issued when a nurse or CNA hears a suspected fart but cannot independently verify it
  • Log all confirmed anal releases of wind into the W.I.N.D. Database (see Memo III-E: W.I.N.D.)
  • Award patients a Flatulence Achievement Certificate upon their first verified fart
Flatulence Achievement Certificate — Approved Text "This certifies that [PATIENT NAME], on [DATE], at Absolutely Real Hospital System (ARHS), successfully produced an anal release of wind of sufficient quality to meet Medicare discharge requirements. We thank you for your contribution to our quality metrics and our reimbursement."

G.A.S. Team Equipment:

  • Hospital-issued clipboard labeled "Wind Log — CONFIDENTIAL"
  • Decibel meter (borrowed from Audiology — please return by end of shift)
  • Hospital-issued pen that is chewed on by everyone
  • A small fan (for personal protection)
  • A sense of purpose

Questions regarding this policy may be directed to:

David R. Stoolworthy, M.H.A., M.B.A.
Chief Operating Officer — ARHS
Email: dstoolworthy@absolutelyreal.org
Phone: Ext. 2800
Compliance Oath — MEMO III-D

You have read MEMO III-D. Federal regulations (invented) require you to swear to comply.

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