XII. Candy Striper Questions — A Volunteering Reference

Saint Rectory Memorial Hospital System's volunteer corps — affectionately known as candy stripers — is composed of remarkable teenagers who show up, wear the stripes, and ask the questions that no attending would dare voice. Their innocence is a diagnostic instrument. Their questions are, occasionally, the most insightful in the building.

This memo is a mandatory reference for Volunteer Services and all staff who supervise our young volunteers. Each question below was asked in earnest, usually while delivering a magazine or a cup of ice. Each is real. Each made a nurse laugh and then think.

A. The Anatomy Questions

• "If the appendix is useless, why does it get to have a whole surgery?" — Excellent question. We billed the surgery. The appendix paid its way out.
• "Is the brain in charge, or is it just the loudest organ?" — The gut would like a word. See Memo III-A through G. The gut is, frankly, running the discharge floor.
• "Why do they call it a 'funny bone' if it hurts?" — Naming is not our department. Coding is. We'd bill the nerve if we could.
• "Can you donate a poop? Like a blood drive but worse?" — You have independently re-derived the fecal transplant program. We are impressed. We bill it.

B. The Logistics Questions

• "If I push the red button, does a doctor fall from the ceiling?" — No. But a code team arrives at a run, which is the same energy. Do not push it. We bill the false alarm anyway.
• "Why is the elevator so slow? Are the patients inside napping?" — The patients are not napping. The elevator is merely years from retirement. We billed the maintenance call.
• "Can I keep the grippy socks? They're comfy." — The socks are hospital property and also a fall-prevention device. You may not keep them. You may bill the fall you prevented by admiring them.
• "Do doctors really write on people with markers?" — Yes. It is called "surgical marking." It is also, technically, the only art the surgeon is allowed to make. We bill the procedure, not the doodle.

C. The Existential Questions

• "When someone gets better, do we high-five them?" — We do not high-five. We say "you're doing great" with a straight face while internally high-fiving. Billable as encouragement.
• "Is being a doctor mostly just Google with a stethoscope?" — The stethoscope is decorative now. The Google is real. The judgment is the billable part. You understand the business already.
• "Why is the food so bad if we're a hospital?" — The food is not bad. It is "cardiac-considerate," "renal-appropriate," and "texturally cautious." We bill the dietetics consult that produced the broth.
• "Are you guys gonna be okay? You look tired." — This is the most compassionate statement on the unit all week. We documented it. We billed the morale.

D. The Legendary Questions (Restricted)

These were asked by volunteers who will, statistically, become our best physicians. Do not discourage them. Do not post them.