When a patient asks why they can't leave yet "Your body is still recovering, and part of that recovery includes making sure your digestive system is functioning properly. We need to see two things before we can safely discharge you: evidence that your bowels are moving, and confirmation that your intestines are passing gas. This is standard protocol, it's for your safety, and honestly, Medicare requires it."

When a patient says they don't have to go "That's okay. We have time. And so do you. Because you're not leaving until something does."

When a patient farts for the first time post-op "That's excellent. That's exactly what we wanted to hear. I'm going to document that, and you're one step closer to going home. Congratulations. That was a good one."

When a patient is embarrassed "There's nothing to be embarrassed about. In this hospital, that sound is the sound of progress. And reimbursement."